Construction sites can be fast-paced, dangerous, and dirty. And to survive in these environments, you’ve got to be even tougher: strong, macho, manly.
When you get home at the end of a 12-hour day, take off your steel-toed boots and put your feet up, everyone within a two-mile radius should know you’re a man by the eye-watering stench of your tootsies, the thickness of your calluses, and that one toenail so long and sharp that it’s ripped holes in your bedsheets.
Those are manly feet, baby!
No one’s ever explained why your feet have to be so gross; it’s just an unspoken rule. It’s what dudes do. Men grow facial hair, drink beer, watch sports, and have feet that look like they belong to a character from a Tolkien novel. Otherwise, you’re just a little… off. You know?
Besides, it’s not like you chose this. Smooth, soft, healthy feet actually sound kind of nice when you think about it. That ingrown toenail hurts like a witch, and your woman hasn’t let your feet go anywhere near hers in three and a half years. But what are you supposed to do, buy fluffy socks and sit around eating bonbons? Or worse, go to some fancy schmancy spa and get a pedicure?
Pretty sure you’re doing juuust fine, thank you very much. You have that same pair of giant, rusty nail clippers you’ve owned your entire adult life and a pretty good routine of halfheartedly hacking at your toenails on the couch whenever you remember to—which is probably at least twice a year.
Why the hell would you go and pay someone to do that? Sure, in addition to cutting your nails, they also clean up your cuticles, prevent ingrown nails, remove callouses, and use a cheese grater thingy to remove all that crusty skin on your heels (all while you relax in a sweet, remote-controlled leather massage chair). (Let’s not even talk about the foot rub.)
I mean, are men even allowed to get pedicures? (Yes.) Wouldn’t the staff laugh at you for even going inside? (No.) Don’t you need to get, like, nail polish and stuff? (Also no.) Pedicures are not for you. Not for men, period!
Then again, mighty stallions get pedicures. So do Brendan Fraser, Shaquille O’Neal, Jack Black, and Dwayne Wade. And you go to a pro to get your hair cut and your teeth cleaned… would it really be that different to get your feet taken care of, especially when you’re on them for more than 16 hours a day sometimes?
The only thing we know for sure here is that it actually is gay to get a pedicure… if you’re gay. It’s also straight to get a pedicure (if you’re straight), and bisexual to get a pedicure (if you’re bi)! Your sexuality has nothing to do with having smooth, healthy feet and spending an hour in a sweet, remote-controlled leather massage chair.
At the end of the day, the only thing “gayer” than a guy getting a pedicure is a man whose masculinity is so fragile that he lets old, outdated gender roles stop him from taking care of himself.
Go ahead, buddy. Book the appointment.
Make it normal for men to have smooth, healthy feet.
(You can thank us later for telling you about the foot rub.)
